Sven decided he was going to make out with an ugly gapped-tooth german girl right in front of me tonight.




i am really very done. i didn't think i could sink this low. i probably should have been takign my medication. i dont think i'll make it home to the states. i really don't know. im tired
of trying. im tired of caring. and im tired of doing what others think i should do. yo should live! why? why?  

really, what is the point? if i die now, im always remember this way. im the fat pimply aloof girl. and no one gets to see how bad it's become. no, this is not about a boy. which was what no one could understand with james. no, i don't feel suicidal because of a boy. but because i honestly don't think im lovable. and im really tired of all the pain. i dont give a shit if you think i should push through it. i do. and then life sucks again. i dont want kids - ever. i dont want to bring something into the world that has to feel this way. to have my ugly, useless genes. i dont want that. im constantly reminded that i am not good enough. i am not good enough. i am not good enough. if this werent a problem with me, id think differently. but when you are constantlyrejected, there is no other answer. i am completely worthless.


i just wish i wouldn't wake up tomorrow. even waking up reminds me of my pitiful life. please someone, just put me out of my misery. please.

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Since this journal creates more heartache for others than myself, it seems, I'm done. I though this could be the one place I could let go, and not worry about being judged, but apparently my depression is wearing off on people. And we can't have that now, can we?

Please, PLEASE make judgments over my depression. Because I know you ALL live inside my head 24/7, have shared every experience I have, and known exactly how I feel at all moments. Please tell me I'm only depressed because I'm single. And guess what? I think all you OTHER single people should be suicidal, too! Join me in this little cult I'm trying to form. You guessed it - that was my plan all along. I get YOU so sad that YOU want to take YOUR life, too!!!!! Gosh, don't worry about any of your old feelings being valid anymore (they aren't) and just join me in my little pity parade. Enough drama for you and your momma!!! In fact, I provide one free jump off of any parking garage at Vanderbilt (Sorry, only one per member)!

I wish I could say I'm not upset someone anonymously told me over FACEBOOK that my problems aren't any bigger than anyone else's...but I can't. You, anonymous, don't feel my pain. You never have, you never will. How dare you say that I shouldn't be hurt or depressed because other people have problems worse than myself? My one problem is I can't not care about other people and here you go comparing me ONCE AGAIN to people who can do what I can't...control their emotions. Great.

I have been unhappy since LONG before I met James..yeah, all freshman year of college? The summer before senior year? The END of senior year? The summer before Vandy? No, this depression has been here for a while. In fact, I've had suicidal thoughts since 6th grade. Yeah, there were a few times the only reason I made it through the night was the thought of the PLAY back in Dag, the one place in my life where I've shined and nobody could berate me.

And being single has more meanings than one. Every time I meet a girl whom I think I can let in, trust, she goes off and runs away with a boy. I have had every. single. girl. I've almost ever been friends with do this. Jade, Stephanie, my cousin Sam, Brittany, Jessica, Michelle...the list goes on and on. And honestly, I'm not mad at them anymore for what I thought was betrayal. It's just who they are. I do have friends who have had boys and haven't left me in the dust. A couple very important ones read this. But maybe that is the reason I want to have a boyfriend so desperately. So for once I'M NOT THE ONE WHO IS LEFT. Even my fucking mother would rather take sides and defend my Stepfather than stay with me.

So please, tell me how to control my feelings. Tell me oh master of being single. Please, I'd love to know. Since then, I wouldn't lie awake at night hating myself and everything I've done, I wouldn't hide myself from people I'd like to care about because I'm too afraid of being hurt. I'd gladly not take sleeping pills anymore if I could just NOT WORRY. I hate this.
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And that goodbye is for all of this. I'm sorry but I can't really handle more guilt for being sad anymore. True, some of you have tried to help, and I do appreciate the efforts. But I'm done. This livejournal will no longer be in service for friends.

Get out of my dreams.
You're not welcome.
Only my heart seems to think so.
But it doesn't know we're done.
I'm done.

strangled by his memory. that's what is so gripping.



don't worry - you'll be okay. right now, you're not. but, when has that ever stopped you? it was a year ago this weekend that changed your life forever. a year ago tonight i was in his arms and happier than i had been...probably ever. oh well. let go, let go, let go.


inadequate. not smart enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, just not good enough. for him. for me. for vandy. for everyone.

mission #1. no one in germany finds out about this. no. one.
mission #2. fake the happiness. others like a happy person.
mission #3. not crumble on the inside.

why do the l'oreal ads lie? no, i'm not worth it. if i was, someone else would maybe have recognized it by now.

Friends' Only, kiddos. Comment to be Added.